Weekend roofing gone wild: notes of apology

Take one inexperienced roofer (that's me), mix with one structurally unsound barn roof, 1,600 pounds of shingles, and stir vigorously over the course of two days. Afterwards, you may or may not have a new roof, but you'll definitely need to write a few apology notes. Here are a couple that I drafted after my roofing adventures last weekend, which you can read about on DIYdiva.net.

Dear neighbors,

Sorry you had to put up with the constant ka-thunk ka-thunk ka-thunk of the air nailer starting at 7 a.m. on both days of your weekend. That was probably as annoying as actually being up on a roof at that hour. And please excuse those expletives you might have heard me shouting literally from the rooftop when you might have been on your way to church Sunday morning…totally not directed at you.

I'd promise it will never happen again, but we both know I'd be lying. Thanks for your patience.

Sincerely,

Your crazy neighbor

Dear calf muscles,

Hey guys, we've been through a lot together, right? Remember that time last week when we banded together and ran 2,600 steps in an hour? I thought we had a good thing going there, but recently you seem a little tense. I mean actually, if we're being honest, you seem a little vindictive. Yes, I did make you work 16 hours on a 25-degree incline to keep the rest of our body from falling 15 feet off a roof and landing in a crumpled heap on top of a pile of bricks, but really that was for your own good. I feel like the 3 a.m. shooting pains you keep sending up my legs is a little extreme. Can we call a truce, please?

Thanks.

The rest of me

Dear big-box store rental guy,

I was irritated by the, uh, unenlightened comment you made about me not looking like your typical roofer, but I do want to thank you for screwing up the rental contract for the roofing nailers. Sorry if you got in trouble for this, but it meant I got one free day of rental -- which is something I would normally feel bad about -- but $40-a-day to rent an air nailer is a little ridiculous, don't you think?

Keep up the good work.

The roofer chick

Dear lower back,

I know we're not on great terms right now, and, yes… I have heard the saying "lift with your knees." You may feel like you got the short end of the stick here, but I'm telling you, our knees played a big role in getting those sixty-pound bundles of shingles up the ladder, and this was a team effort. We all had to do our part, okay? I do appreciate your effort, but I don't think you need to remind me just how much work you did every single time I sit down or stand up. It's been two days now, and honestly, I'm willing to bribe you if you'll just shut up about it. I've got an ice pack and a hot bath with your name on it, and if that doesn't suit you, we're going to go with Cousin Frankie and the crowbar. Up to you.

Name the time and place.

You-know-who